We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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