I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
