mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize