Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
