you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
