the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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