you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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