he looks like a really good dad on facebook
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Can I color on your dick again?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
