Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
