Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
