I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
