piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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