If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
