I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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