I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
