I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
