Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
