Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
