Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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