Apparently you make a good broom.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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