We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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