Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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