EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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