I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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