I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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