quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
