I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
