Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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