Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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