forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize