drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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