Where did you get a picture of my penis
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
