My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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