Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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