I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
