It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
