Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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