Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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