you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
