Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
