Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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