He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
