I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
