i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
