Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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