Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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