An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
