He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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