so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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