I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
