I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
