At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
