The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
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