I got chris browned last night
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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