Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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